


In x Death x And x Sickness

by ShunSakka



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Death, Doubt, Illnesses, Love, M/M, Nightmares, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 22:29:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8031415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShunSakka/pseuds/ShunSakka
Summary: Surprisingly, Killua suddenly falls sick. Not being used to it, his senses get a little too overwhelmed, especially after how Gon handles the issue.A ghost from the past makes its return and the truth about their true feelings comes to light.





	In x Death x And x Sickness

Heart pounding fast. Pain spreading through the body. Blood boiling inside. Due to the adrenaline rush, Killua made it back to his senses. The severe aches all over every part of his body made him come back to reality after fainting. Confusion assaults his mind, while blurred and distorted images were mixed with distress and fear…  
  
_Fear?... Fear of what?_  
  
Things didn’t make sense.  
  
He was lying on the dusty ground when he realized he couldn’t move… The suffering wasn’t far from what he had been through before, but he had never been unable to move. His legs wouldn’t respond. It was hard to even breathe. Yet, he realized. Making one last-ditch of effort, he carefully looked down and a shiver ran through his spine.  
  
There was blood… Blood all over him.  
  
_But not his._  
  
“ _No…,_ ” his pupils dilated in deep shock when he finally realized what made him incapable of moving.  
  
“ _GON!,_ ” he shouted, as he rapidly sat straight, ignoring the demanding agony all over his body. He gritted his teeth in pain, his hands shaking heavily, bloody red from the wounds. However, literally nothing mattered to him, unless the arousing heartache of seeing the body of his best friend lying over him. He suddenly remembered what happened… Kind of. Things looked hazy but he remembered a sudden explosion, followed by the swift realization that Death was inevitable at that point.  
  
An enormous, deep wound was visible through Gon’s clothes, soaked in blood. No normal human being would be able to move ever again if he survived to an injury like this.  
  
“ _Gon, Gon, p-please…,_ ” he couldn’t stop shivering from the terror, from his biggest fear.  
  
_Why did Gon do anything such reckless?! What have he done?!_  
  
“ _Gon,…_ ” he kept repeating as a mantra.  
  
Killua froze with the absent of answer.  
  
Take everything from him… Take even his own life. But not Gon’s.  
  
He breathed in heavily and carefully rolled the body over his back, Gon now facing up. Visible bruises all over his face and blood flowing down from freshly made wounds were all it was needed to Killua not being able to hold back the tears. Whatever happens to him, Killua never cries. _Never._ He has been through a lot. Through enduring pain, strong poisons and daily torture. But with Gon? Since they met, Gon was always the very first reason of Killua’s cry… And he had never felt nothing like the torment he was feeling right at that moment. His chest tightened. He still couldn’t breathe properly. Tears began forming and a blurry image was all he could see.  
  
“ _K-Killua…,_ ” a weak, faint voice reached him and tears began flowing from his cheeks, immediately turning watering red from the blood they encountered.  
  
Killua’s eyes widened with that tiny piece of hope.  
  
“ _G-Gon…,_ ” the knot in his throat didn’t let him speak, even now when he was somewhat relieved with such dim signal of life. He held onto his friend to his dear life as more blood flooded out from his back wound.  
  
“ _I… Really… Messed up this time…,_ ” the spiky-haired one managed to say, before coughing roughly, splitting blood over him. Right after, he shrugged in pain and Killua couldn’t hold back his tears anymore.  
  
“ _IDIOT!_ Why did you do that?! Why did you save me?! GON!,” he sobbed desperately, “Gon, what will happen…,” the words skipped, his heart ached and he the knot tightened.  
  
Gon’s eyes moved slowly and looked straight up. His mind was drifting away from reality, Killua could tell.  
  
“ _Cold…,_ ” he answered, in his dying breath, “ _…Tired…_ ”  
  
“G-Gon, don’t, Gon, don’t c-close your eyes!,” Killua kept choking on his own words, thwarted by the agony, “look at me! _GON!_ ”  
  
Suddenly, Gon’s eyes darkened and the body relaxed. His head fell back and a lifeless body was now being held in Killua’s arms.  
  
He knew...  
  
_Gon’s dead._

xxxxxxxxxx

In a swift move, Killua opened his eyes. He panted aggressively, he was sweaty and he could feel his eyes watering. He sat up in a quick move, leading a hand to his forehead right away. His head felt like it was going to explode. It stung like Hell. However, that didn’t prevent him from looking to his side by the corner of his eye.  
  
Gon was calmly sleeping beside him.  
  
He had never felt so relieved in his entire life. Real tears stubbornly continued going down his cheeks as he kept staring at Gon, his headache aggravating and being ignored.  
Joining Killua’s sudden movements and the fact that he felt like he was being observed, the other boy slowly woke up. Gon turned his head just enough to look at his best friend, sitting, with his hands resting on his head.  
  
“Killua?... What’s wrong?”  
  
Killua didn’t want to cry. There was no reason for that… But stronger than his head, the pain in his chest felt so surreal that it was hard to ignore.  
  
“Killua had a nightmare?,” Gon stretched his back.  
  
The Trasmuter movements were reduced to a minimum, he was just paralyzed from how lucid the dream was… And damn salty tears wouldn’t stop falling even if he was static, like he wasn’t breathing.  
The other boy said nothing more. It was normal for Killua to have nightmares once in a while. He knew Killua had had an unfortunate childhood which he’d rather not to remember about. Gon never asked anything about his life, without letting his friend taking the lead. He got angry whenever he thought about that though. He faced his older brother at the end of the Hunter Exam, after discovering what made Killua fail it. He suffer through all the path in the Kukuroo Mountain in order to rescue Killua. He meanly defied the that one guy back in the Heavens Arena, after realizing his best friend _could handle_ his high voltage weapon only because he had been through worse in the past. All of that and more made him furiously ailing.  
  
He slowly raised a hand and touched the other’s cheek. Killua shivered. Strangely, he really _did_ shudder. Years after years of physical abuse made him almost invulnerable to pain, although this boy’s touch made him shiver. Killua found himself caught in a swirl of emotions he could not describe. He let his hands fell from his aching head, looking at the other one.  
  
It’s only Gon. His dear friend, Gon.  
  
Gon would never hurt him like that. However, his light touch on his cheek, calmly caressing him is something new to him.  
  
Gon softly rubbed his thumb on the other’s cheek to wipe some tears away… And kept staring at him deeply.  
  
_What’s going on?_  
  
Without warning, Gon came closer… _Dangerously close._  
  
His eyes never ceased to keep staring at the other’s ones… Not until Gon closed his eyes and in no time they were actually kissing.  
His eyes were kept shut, as Gon gently kissed the other boy, calloused hand touching his face so carefully it was like a lucid dream. Killua kept his eyes opened, static and muddled for what was happening. As Gon kept slowly moving his lips on the other one’s, Killua’s persistent killing head felt somehow too light and the heat so overwhelming he felt dizzy. Gon’s lips seemed abnormally cold and his scent stronger than he remembered (remembered). A hand moved to the back of his head, slightly scratching the snowy locks his hand found on Killua’s nape. Goosebumps were taking over by then and still Killua couldn’t move.  
  
When Gon finally let him go, they looked into each other’s eyes. The blue-eyed waited for some kind of explanation, albeit the other one’s expression was unequivocally unreadable... Or maybe Killua was just too confused to understand what had just happened.  
  
_Were they only friends?... Or was there anything more than just that?_  
  
“Killua… You’re burning.”  
  
_Burning? What does that even mean?_ , the silver-haired one found himself trying to make sense of all of that.  
  
_Gon and I… Just kissed… Right?_  
  
“It’s a fever, I thought Killua never gets sick,” that was a surprise to Killua too, actually.  
  
Gon didn’t ask anything more. He almost commanded the other boy to lay down on the bed, as he stood up and went to the bathroom. Killua kept following Gon’s movements for a while… He took one shaky hand to his own lips, the same ones where his best friend’s were just seconds before. It felt odd, although not unnatural… A very subtle touch, but exhilarating at the same time.  
He felt his cheeks hot, and it wasn’t only because of the fever. He couldn’t stop asking himself why his one and only best friend said such things and acted in such way… Did he really mean it? Meant what, exactly? Or is this the way they notice someone else’s fever back on Whale Island?  
  
_Ugh, head._  
  
His head’s ultimatum wasn’t getting any softer, his heart was now incredibly racing and it seemed like every limb of his body was mourned. The nightmare, the illness, the kiss… Everything together was messing with his mind as blurry images kept coming and going without making sense.  
  
The Transmuter shook his head before demanding his body to finally get himself comfortable, lied down on the bed again.  
  
Killua rolled over his back to face up, coughing and gritting his teeth, feeling his throat sore. He also felt cold, even though his body temperature isn’t normally the highest. He wasn’t able to recall the last time he felt like this. After years enduring and resisting to multiple types of poisons, nothing could harm him. During that time, even though the whole process was monitored by a specialized team of doctors, he still would pass out or fall sick once in a while, depending on his reaction to each substance. Meaning: it was fair to say that Killua didn’t remember what a fever was in a really long time.  
  
When he felt comfortable, Gon made his return with a bottle of water, a bawl filled with cold water and some towels. Neither Gon or Killua referred the _supposed_ kiss. He acted _normal_. He could feel his heart raging on his ears whenever he recalls the sensation of having Gon’s lips on his. That was the first time ever he has been kissed… And all in all, by his best friend... And he still couldn’t understand why he has done that.  
  
The amber-eyed Hunter began soaking one of the towels, as Killua took a sip of the water, while gathering the courage to ask, hoping to alleviate the embarrassment he was feeling:  
  
“ _For what do you need that?..._ ” he coughed again.  
  
“Hum? Mito-san used to do this whenever I got ill,” he said, while he started cleaning the sweat and tears off Killua’s face, “it will help the fever go down.”  
  
Killua shivered at the cold towel on his face, although it felt relaxing. He also wasn’t able to remember what it was like when he was sick back then. Actually, the blue-eyed boy could only remember that he felt lonely during those times. Sickness was meant to be cured by itself, after all.  
  
Gon soaked another one, squeezed it to remove the excess of water and folded it before placing it on Killua’s forehead. He gritted his teeth to the sensation once again. Dizziness assaulted him again, yet it felt comforting.  
Moreover, Killua chose not to ask, comment or think about the kiss, unless Gon brought that up… He wasn’t sure what his true intentions were.  
  
“Should I get some type of medicine?”  
  
Killua slightly shook his head.  
  
“It’s 4 o’clock in the morning, everything is closed,” he coughed before continuing, “besides, I don’t think anything would work on me.”  
  
Gon nodded as he understood right away. Gon always let Killua be free to talk about his traumatizing childhood whenever he felt the need to do so, meaning he never asked for any details… The spiky-haired knew that the same way poisons couldn’t affect his best friend, the same thing would be plausible of happening with other type of drugs.  
  
“Did… Did Alluka wake up?...,” Killua changed the subject.  
  
Gon smiled.  
  
“No way, Alluka’s fine, she’s a heavy sleeper.”  
  
Killua nodded slightly.  
  
“Gon, you should rest, I’m fine now…”  
  
“No,” he said, without hesitation, “I’ll watch over Killua in case something is needed.”  
  
Killua’s face reddened again. The positive thing about the heat from the fever is that blushing would come unnoticed.  
  
“Killua has always been there for me,” he continued, “I want to help too.”  
  
The young Trasmuter slightly turned his head to not let his embarrassment show. His heart rate hadn’t slowed down a bit too and that made him wonder… If perhaps there was something more to Gon’s eyes than friendship… Or maybe he was just overthinking because Gon got along with everything after deliberately kissing him.  
  
Gon yawned and stretch his back, before lying down next to his friend.  
  
“Can’t sleep?,” Gon asked, as he noticed the sapphire-eyed boy breathing heavily.  
  
Killua wasn’t sure if he wanted to fall back asleep again. The World looked like it was still spinning in his head, and he was afraid that the fever would take over his dreams again and throw him back to a reality without Gon.  
Surprisingly, his reactions were slower than usual, because he jolted weakly when Gon’s hand found his. Their fingers webbed together and their hands stayed put. Gon’s hand was firm and warm…  
Killua found the courage to look back at his friend… Right in his eyes.  
  
_What is this uncanny feeling?_  
  
The other one answered with a grin.  
  
_Mesmerizing…_  
  
Gon is light in person.  
  
“Bad dreams won’t come as long as you hold my hand,” he said, jokingly, a bright smile was now illuminating his face.  
  
_What would I do without you, idiot…_ , it crossed Killua’s mind.  
  
He was at the verge of losing his friend once, and the pain was unbearable. It took Killua by storm, although he was able to keep his head cool and think about anything in order to save Gon. When it all ended and the Chimeras were defeated, Killua promised himself… He promised that once Gon was healed he would have him to _apologize_ for everything. For his selfishness. For wanting to make everything by himself without even making through some reasoning before.  
Back then, when Gon was safe and sound, Killua turned a blind eye and got away with it. He had Alluka to protect and Gon had to go after his dad.  
  
It had been years since then.  
  
Killua’s vision became blurred once again, as tears began to form. He felt woozy, even lied down. Strongly closing his eyes due to the headache made tears rolling down his cheeks. He used his free arm to cover his watering eyes.  
Everything was alright now… Gon was fine and he found his father all in all. Killua got some of his freedom back and Alluka was with them. Everything has got back on trails… Why did such thoughts return to anguish him? Maybe because of the nightmare?  
  
“Killua? Are you okay? Does anything hurt?...,” Gon asked hesitantly.  
  
_Yes. It hurts. It still hurts like Hell._  
  
“ _Seven…_ ,” Killua finally whispered, cutting the idle talk.  
  
“What?...”  
  
“ _And four,_ ” the silver-haired one continued.  
  
“Killua, what does it¬... “  
  
“The number of times you passed out… And the number of times I had to defibrillate your heart back to life… _That_ night.”  
  
Killua felt tangled fingers getting loose. Gon slowly let go Killua’s hand, before pausing for a moment to get up and sit down on the bed. He after looked down, staring at his legs straighten up on the bed. Empty, speechless, muddled for a while. The sudden feeling of remorsefulness hit Gon like a freight train.  
  
“Why… Why didn’t you tell me that…,” Gon calmly asked.  
  
“ _Idiot…,_ ” Killua whispered, “it hurt so much... It hurt seeing you like that… In an endless coma, completely unrecognizable… _It still hurts._ ”  
  
A heart skipped a beat.  
  
Gon didn’t know what to say. This wasn’t the first time he had grown aware of that night. Not everything was clear, but he knew well what he had done. He chose to let the sleeping dogs lie and cowardly hided that one night from everyone, from himself… Literally just by pretending it didn’t happen… Pretending no one would ever remember that.  
He didn’t care about the rest of the team, he only cared about Pitou. So obsessed in avenging Kite’s death, it only led to disgrace.  
  
His disgrace. Killua’s disgrace.  
  
He failed in some way and made Killua cry. He owned him so much… And never said it so.  
  
“ _I’m sorry…,_ ” he said, quietly, “I’m so sorry, Killua, I’m really sorry…”  
  
The younger one said nothing. He kept hiding his face under his arm. Gon continued:  
  
“I was obsessed, I completely forgot about the others… About _you_ …”  
  
He covered his face with his hands, finally realizing what he had done.  
  
“I said mean things to you, I remember that much, I truly messed up…,” he continued, “when we went separated ways at the World Tree… I thought how… I realized how... _Selfish_ I was… Even now, I unconscientiously thought I could get away with it once again…”  
  
Killua slowly looked up to see his best friend’s face, only to find out his eyes shut hard trying not to cry.  
  
“I didn’t even realize what you went through…,” he sobbed, “ _I am so, so sorry, Killua._ ”  
  
Killua couldn’t say anything. He really couldn’t ask for anything more.  
  
He felt bad for digging up a ghost from the past, but he also felt the urge to do so.  
Killua never was the kind of person who would easily let his emotions show. He loved so much the ones dear to him, but didn’t explicitly show it. Still, maybe that was the time to stop running away from his feelings.  
Somehow in the back of his mind, Killua knew this moment would have come. And it would be tough…  
Gon realized everything, after all. He apologized. They were together now. Alluka was safe. They were away from their family. Gon is there with him. And they were practically living the dream. Killua couldn’t ask for anything more.  
  
He wasn’t alone now.  
  
“ _Gon,_ ” he said, quietly at first, “don’t leave me again.”  
  
Gon laid down once again, resting over his shoulder, facing Killua. His hand made his return and found Killua’s once more.  
  
“I won’t,” he answered.  
  
Killua swallowed hard. His throat still felt sore… And he smirked ironically because he knew.  
  
_Liar… A total liar._  
  
Even though Gon had realized what had happened back then, Killua was almost abandoned once, there was always room for another try. Even Gon’s father wasn’t the best example of altruism ever. Killua’s pessimism could feel that Gon might probably have inherited the same genes. One day he would just fly off, and Killua would be left behind. Both Gon’s selfishness and ambition were intrinsic to his being, letting the silver-haired boy being dragged down…  
  
_Who are you, Gon?_ , he thought.  
  
Gon had always been as transparent as water, simple-minded as a small child… Always capable of saving face from the minor second-thought. Everything coming from him that sounded _reckless_ was plausible and came with a high probability of success attached.  
The kind of person who would know any rules by heart so that he could break them. And though, he was also a slave to his own instinct and emotions.  
And Killua? A denizen of the darkness, nothing more than a mere shadow, eternally doomed to be stuck up to Gon only to be able to feel present.  
  
A knot formed again in his throat. His vision got blurred once more. His chest felt heavy when he took a deep breath… Gon held his hand tighter.  
And, despite the torturous headache, Killua managed to genuinely grin.  
It burned, hurt, ached, killed… It was treacherous, almost a suicide… And, though, he enjoyed the feeling...  
  
It wasn’t enough, though. It was never enough.  
  
He wouldn’t mind at all to keep on living like that… He didn’t want to keep living for what he was born for. He realized he didn’t want to do or be anything specifically… As long as they could stay together.  
Things change and it had been years since then… They weren’t kids anymore. They no longer were in danger, or had to fight, or had to worry about anything.  
Maybe they were not _just_ best friends anymore.  
Killua hadn’t realized about his true feelings… He barely left room for expressing them… Until now.  
And, perhaps, Gon was on the same page…  
  
_What if… After all this time… We actually love each other?_

xxxxxxxxxx

The Sun hit hard on the dusty window the next morning.  
  
Killua didn’t immediately opened his eyes. He wasn’t sure when exactly he fell back asleep as well. The light was too bright and the room was too hot. He took a moment before moving. His head felt light, but fortunately it didn’t hurt anymore. The scratching sensation was still present in his throat, yet the fever seemed to have stabilized.  
What bothered him the most in fact was the _déjà vu_ sensation of an extra weight which didn’t let him stand up right away… The sudden realization made him look down.  
There was no blood, or pain, or dead bodies… It was Gon, as he knew, peacefully sleeping, using Killua’s belly as pillow. He must had thrown his own to the floor during the night.  
He felt relieved. No nightmares assaulted him again too. Alluka should still be asleep. Everything seemed peaceful.  
  
Killua lied down again and stared at the ceiling. His heart was incredibly beating fast for someone who had just woken up. He kept thinking about what happened last night and how light he felt after they talked…  
And, also… The kiss. Killua felt that his mind had now room to question Gon’s true intentions. Gon has always been so straightforward about his feelings, what might be holding him back this time?...  
  
Hesitating, Killua ran a hand softly over the other boy’s dark hair. A bemoan escaped from Gon’s lips as he woke up right way.  
  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up,” Killua said in defence.  
  
Gon protested a bit before opening his eyes and stood up lazily and yawned. He took a while before opening his eyes to look at Killua.  
  
Amber eyes met sapphire ones. And Killua felt like he didn’t want to extend the matter anymore.  
  
“Gon,” his cheeks started to burn, but that didn’t stop Killua from continuing as he sat down on the bed, “about yesterday…”  
  
“Does Killua feel better?,” Gon interrupted, leaning over Killua.  
  
Killua’s heart skipped a beat as Gon got extremely close again. He almost couldn’t breathe, as the other boy made their foreheads touch.  
  
“It seems to have gone down…,” Gon affirmed quietly, without backing off.  
  
They stared into each other’s eyes. Their ears felt hot and it was possible to hear the sound of the rapidly beating of the heart. Both breathes became uneasy and the feeling in the stomach was becoming unbearable.  
The urge was so immense that there was no turning back. Enough of running away from their feelings. Enough of concealing everything within and bear with it.  
  
That might have been the end of one stage… And the beginning of a new one.  
  
“ _I love you,_ ” one of them whispered.


End file.
